Horrible
by portaltomymind
Summary: [drabbleoneshot]'I’m a horrible person…' her voice was still soft but she spoke strongly, she needed these words heard. Sakura reflects on what she is doing to Fai. Sorry for being vague but there are spoilers through 137. Read at yoour own risk.


A/N: This is what I do while I should be studying for Japanese. headdesk I was going to push it into the back of my mind, but my feelings were kinda tumultuous so I decided to kinda transfer them into Sakura nad deal with them by having Sakura dealing with her feelings...make sense? Didnt think so...well anyway, I hope this came out okay. I didnt really check it over too carefully so hopefully there arent any mistakes but there probably are. I hope the characters aren't OOC, tell me if they are so I can fix that for future fics. THIS IS INSPIRED BY CHAPITRE 137 SO THERE ARE SPOILERS FOR THE MOST RECENT TRC PLOT. Takes place after 137. Remember read and review darling

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"I…" her voice was quiet, not even a breath on the wind. Fai knew not to question whether or not she had spoken at all, but rather question if she knew she was talking. So he moved slower, more cautiously so as to catch any other words she may utter.

"I'm a horrible person…" her voice was still soft but she spoke strongly, she needed these words heard. Fai's eyes narrowed and he flicked his eye in her direction. She sat on the bed looking down at nothing. In another time or place if she had said those words it would have been a question and she would have raised her watering eyes to his in a silent plea to tell her it wasn't so. She had no tears for herself anymore and her pain was too much to be eased by the answer to a question. Weighing his options Fai turned back the closet and grabbed the spare blanket.

"You've been working yourself too hard Sakura-chan, no one blames you for being tired." He has decided on a compromise, he didn't act as if he hadn't heard her, but he gave her an opening to draw back should she want to. He knew what she was saying, but he wouldn't push it. "You have a bit of time, so why don't—"

"Fai-san." She didn't raise her voice her eyes but the tone compelled him to stop mid-sentence, and stop straightening one of the beds for her. "You and I know that you know what I'm talking about." He turned on the spot with a smile that didn't reach his eyes but wasn't trying to hide anything. He shoved his hands in his pockets, slouching casually.

"Yes we do." She lifted her eyes then. Dry but broken, like cracked riverbeds whose water had dried up from lack of rain. She looked at him in the eye, unashamed of her admission and pleased to see that he wasn't acting anymore. It was her turn now, she knew he was waiting for her.

"Its not his fault. I shouldn't be punishing him…shouldn't be blaming him. Had he come or not this would have happened." She didn't say his name because to her he had no name.

"Then don't. Don't punish him." He knew she couldn't, just as he knew he wouldn't had he been in the same situation. After all, he was still punishing Kurogane for saving his life and working his way into his heart. He said the words that meant nothing so that she would continue, delve deeper into her feelings.

"I can't help it. He's too much like Sya-Syaoran." Her voice stumbled briefly, the only sign she gave to her internal fragility. "The way he moves, the way he talks, it's all the same. But he doesn't smile. He's not happy and he's not Syaoran."

"Do you blame him for not being happy?" Again he was just saying words. He already knew her answer, but she needed to say it.

"No. I blame him for not being Syaoran, and I hurt him. I make him unhappy. I deny him all semblance of his self because he is not who is in my heart." She looked down now. Now she felt ashamed, and she hurt. She never would have given these feelings words before, never would show her unhappiness or shared what she really felt. After he left though she had become strong enough to say what she wanted, yet weak enough for them to have to be said so that they wouldn't be trapped only in her heart.

"He must have been so lonely…trapped like that, watching us, perhaps he shared the same feelings as Syaoran…and now I hurt him even though I know this. I'm a horrible person." Fai had remained silent this whole time, listening and forming a response to help her. It _was_ bad what she was doing, but she couldn't help it. He wouldn't let her define herself by what she was doing in her pain. If he did, and applied the logic to himself, he was worse than scum.

"You're hurt, not horrible. If you're horrible there's no hope for people like me." He said as he laid a hand on her shoulder and sat on the bed so that he could look into her eyes. She looked into his cerulean eyes, they looked like deep, pure oceans to her in the dark. To a heart starved of joy and happiness, and eyes dried of all emotion, looking into his eyes felt like rain clouds over dry earth. Something broke within her and she cried. She fell into his lap and cried and cried. She hadn't shed a tear since _he_ had left and had vowed not to be so weak as to cry. Now she realized that crying wasn't weakness, only a step in becoming stronger and accepting all you feel. As she cried Fai held her as he let a few of his own tears fall. They were different, yet the same. He felt that as long as he had her as his light and she had him as someone to help her along that they would heal. They would heal together.

As much as he wanted that to be true though he knew it wasn't. Until this Syaoran confronted Sakura, and until Kurogane confronted him, they would pull themselves together but never fully heal. He hated this truth, he didn't want to forgive Kurogane and he didn't want Sakura to stop depending on him. He was selfish, but he knew he would never act on his selfishness, he couldn't anymore. So he held on to Sakura a little more tightly so that he could savor this moment. They stayed like that until her tears subsided and his arms were aching. They then fell asleep like that, entwined on the bed like a cat and its kitten.

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A/N: Okay to clear up a few things, uh no this is not a Fai/Sakura fic, I know it might come off that way but hopefully it comes off as Sakura and Fai being close cause they have similar personalities according to Kurogane. Seeing as how it was inspired by chap 137 thats where i took that from. OK now you want to tell me what you thought right? 


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